Amber Alert (2012)

I had heard this was an utter flop, but I decided to give it a try anyway.  Usually I am pretty forgiving--especially when I already have low expectations--but I couldn't find anything to like here.  In fact, this may be the first film that has actually angered me (at one point I irritably asked the characters to shut up).  I've seen plenty of movies with characters that bicker and argue, but this one tops them all for its sheer annoyance.  I hate to completely write a movie off, because putting a feature together is hard work, but there is no need for this one to exist.

Rating: 0/5

The Possession (2012)

The first dud of 2013!  I'll be honest: I turned this one off with about 10 minutes left; so unless anyone out there can convince me otherwise, I will not be watching the last 10 or any other minutes of this movie.  But don't take that as an embittered, angry disdain for the film--I'm not that emotional over it.  In fact, it's the opposite.  I am completely unmoved by it.  Writing a review of The Possession feels tantamount to writing a review of Coke (the drink).  I've had the drink a million times, and chances are you have too--what's to say?

Watching this one reaffirmed one of the major reasons why I loved The Last Exorcism, because the latter film took an exhausted genre and breathed some life back into it with some simple twists.  Having recently watched The Apparition, and being familiar with other Hollywood exorcist-genre retreads like The Haunting of Molly Hartley, The Haunting in Connecticut, and The Unborn,  I knew going into this that it was going to be in a similar vein.  But I didn't realize just how unoriginal, formulaic it would be.  If one were teaching a class in genre formulas, this would be a great exemplar.

From the opening shot it neatly follows the rules: (a) use FX to show that there's something threatening about an object; (b) setup a backstory that puts a plausible strain on a young child (in this case, divorce); (c) quickly run through a montage of scenes that depict said child exhibiting increasingly aberrant behavior; (d) setup opposing forces: the father who knows something is wrong, and the mother who doesn't believe him; (e) show a research scene; (f) and, of course, the exorcism itself, which the filmmakers must know will not come close to the exorcism scene from 1973.

Typically I would talk about cinematography, acting, thrills that stood out, and so on, but I've got nothing further to share.  I'll give it one star for simply being a horror movie.

Rating: 1/5

The Pact (2012)

Review forthcoming.

Rating: 2/5

Rosewood Lane (2011)

Review forthcoming.

Rating: 2/5

The Wicker Tree (2011)

A huge disappointment for fans of the original British classic, The Wicker Man (1973).  There are amusing moments, but overall the film is just another offering from the horror movie assembly line.  Skippable.

11-11-11: The Prophecy (2011)

This could work for someone who's never seen a horror movie before, but it's essentially an exercise is refurbished horror movie gimmicks throughout the decades of the genre.

The Divide (2011)

Rigid acting; stupid plot execution.

Skippable.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2011)

Two duds in a row.

I think I need to take a break from horror movies for a while.

Inkubus (2011)

Unwatchable.

Cold Fish (2010)

Like a lot of Asian horror films, this one was about one hour too long. Had that been trimmed, I probably would've walked away more satisfied. As it is, I'm just sort of indifferent to the film, nothing really stuck with me except my impatience for the thing to be over. It's your typical good-guy-gets-bullied-and-caught-up-in-the-wrong-crowd plot, and it seems the movie was made more to make gratuitous use of Megumi Kagurazaka that anything else. So, if you're in the mood for a crime drama wrapped in typical black humor, this great. But, then again, I guess I have to be thankful that I watched a J-horror flick sans ghosts!

The Ward (2011)

This could've been a great movie. I'm all for the exhausted confused-girl-in-a-ward plot if the filmmakers are willing to do something new and exciting. And sure, the set design--lighting, colors, composition, etc.--was great. But the technical aspects of a veteran director weren't enough to save the film. It was terribly formulaic and rigidly acted (every character was a parody) thus blunting the ending's epiphany. Taking this one into account with Craven's recent My Soul to Take, I feel sure that these iconic directors are stuck in an earlier era.

Meadowoods (2010)

After the first thirty minutes I was ready for the girl of the trio to disappear. I get it. You're disturbed, angry, mad at the world. You hate life. The first act is largely a rumination of nihilistic inquiry that constantly ventures into foolish absurdity. But the movie redeemed itself for a while with a shot and mention of Oldboy! Then they select their victim and begin interviewing her. These interviews revived the movie. Whenever she was on the screen the movie worked. That is, it felt real and dreadful--undoubtedly what the filmmakers were going for. In the end, however, it's exactly what's expected and the last two shots (cuts to earlier interviews with Travis and Stephanie) should have been omitted.

My Soul to Take (2010)

Rating: D-

I'm pretty sure this is a joke. Wes Craven was at a party talking with friends, and they bet him he couldn't rattle off an entire movie idea, complete with exposition, stock characters, and several convoluted twists, in 10 minutes. Well he did, and he took the bet to the next level: he made the movie. The dialogue we get is taken directly from the unedited (save for some minor grammatical and spelling errors) first draft. Thanks, Wes! And to make the joke even better, Craven's only real device is making sure you can't tell whether the movie intends to be serious or funny or both or neither.

And Soon the Darkness (2010)

Rating: F
Experience Vitals: Netflix DVD

Because the film gave me so little, I will return the favor with a terse review: Unnecessary filmmkaing. I'm sure the 1970 original was intense, but after how far we (i.e. the audience, the people you make films for) have come, what's the point of this?

The Maze (2010)

Rating: D-
Experience Vitals: Netflix Instant on Wii, volume competing with violent dishwasher.

At times I felt as though I were watching a stage play. Here's a writer who doesn't have an ear for conversation, and a director who doesn't have sense enough to hear and feel the rigidity of the characters' verbal interactions. But it does have one thing going for it: it lives up to its title. It definitely revolves around a corn maze, and you can tell the filmmakers put most of their collective focus on the ending, which after spending such an extended amount of time in a superbly lighted, banal corn maze, just seems overreaching. But I did laugh once or twice and the unexpected Final Girl (that is, I expected the other girl to be our FG) stepped up at the end and delivered a solid performance.

The Lodge (2008)

Rating: D
Experience Vitals: Netflix DVD rental watched at 0130 instead of being in bed, resting up for a full day at work; on favorite chair, munching on honey roasted peanuts and drinking Coke that is supposedly vanilla flavored.

There is another movie that started this way. I watched it recently, and I think it was Babysitter Wanted. The grim opening scene depicts a striking young girl who is bound and being tortured, only to be followed with roughly 85 minutes of mediocrity and pinholes of promise (Babysitter Wanted had the potential to be great, but it took a nosedive after the reveal). With the mystery unveiled at the beginning (The Lodge is not a red-herring type movie), the filmmaker has created the challenge of maintaining any level of suspense without deviating from the most conventional "camping misadventure" formula (which typically means supernatural elements or big-time shockers that connect the good and bad characters in some way one or both did not know). Unfortunately, The Lodge is content with staying mediocre, unlike The Farmhouse, where we know these people aren't right from the beginning but the movie steadily increases the viewer's uneasiness. So what were the pinholes of promise? In this one, I believe a lot could have been done with the jealousy and tension between the character triangle. The movie could have taken a very deeply psychological approach. If you can stay awake through all of the mundane chases through the house (the only set location, which doesn't have to be a mistake) you'll catch the ridiculous final frame.

The Fourth Kind (2009)

Rating: F
This is like watching someone try to be cool and fit in. The movie tries harder than any other film out there in terms of making the viewer understand that THIS IS BASED ON TRUE EVENTS! I get it for cryin' out loud! Actual footage, actual voices, juxtaposition of the dramatization and actual footage here and there with an annoying split-screen. What's the point? This is largely boring with maybe two small flickers of potential, somewhere, I think, maybe.

The Reeds (2009)

Rating: D
I have all eight of this year's ADH films on hand now, and I certainly hope The Reeds is no indication of the overall performance. Last year gave me hope, and I'm looking for the positive trend to continue. The Reeds, which I'm hoping is just a misfire, a poor first pick on my part, is trite and anticlimactic. Trite because the only element that makes it "original" or "fresh" is that the film takes place in a secluded expanse of reeds (but with telephone lines just in the background, I might add). Anticlimactic because of the two "twists." The first "reveal" is completely obvious because, like a gifted Vegas gambler, I employed cast-counting! The second "reveal" is just plain lame. The only thing that saves this film from the dreaded F-rating is decent acting.

Sorority Row (2009)

Rating: D-
I would really hate to know how much money was spent on this movie, and I would be shocked if it took more than a weekend to make. Unlike the Stepfather remake, I was mostly bored and hard-pressed to find something pleasing: no suspense, no likable characters (the characters we were supposed to like were paper thin, weak), trite twists, and pitiful red herrings! A complete waste of time. No one put any effort into this film unless you consider the viewer's effort to get through it. The only reason I am not giving it an F is due to a few tongue-in-cheek remarks from Jessica (Leah Pipes).

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Rating: C-
It had been a while since I'd watched any J-horror, but then again, I got bored with vengeful spirit-inhabited electronics and houses. So, the compromise: a movie that promised shock cinema in the form of a satirical gore-fest, Tokyo Gore Police. And it was just that. At the beginning of each fight sequence, I swear I heard someone yell, Mooortaaaaal Kooooombaaaaat! Then, the movie gave way to all out splatter-punk. Unfortunately, it isn't my thing. For me, there is a very fine line when it comes to gore. In the case of this film, it was too over-the-top, and while it was sometimes laughable by design, everything about the movie became too gratuitous and redundant à la Ichi the Killer (sorry Miike die-hards; I do like his other work though). What saved the film from being a complete flop? Eihi Shiina, who beautifully executed her role in Audition, and the hilarious social satire commercials.