Monday, August 10, 2009

Dark Floors (2008)

So, I'm sitting here on my birthday, watching Dark Floors and bored out of my mind. In fact, it's still playing right now. But I'm so bored by this crap that I figured I'd write this up while it's playing.

The movie is prefaced with a claim to its original idea, but so far the only "original idea" seems to be that the monsters are the Finnish metal band Lordi. Everything else is taken from the Horror Movie 101 textbook, and the dialogue/acting is atrocious!

Why can't someone give this girl a red crayon? It fell on the floor earlier, and despite the fact that the father had handed it to her minutes before, he doesn't seem too concerned that it's no longer in her hand. Maybe it's because she keeps magically possessing purple crayons, black crayons, and so on.

I just skipped a couple of chapters; nothing new. A few more...nothing new. Boring, boring, boring. This is what I hate: a cheesy horror movie that tries so desperately hard to be serious and frightening. The only thing that could redeem this movie at this point is if the monsters/ghosts put on a musical performance.

(10 minutes or so elapse.)

Oh, wow! So, apparently you can't shoot the ghosts, but you can deliver electric shock to them. Did I miss something? Is this due to some energy ghosts are susceptible to? I admit that I'm not well versed in knowledge of ghosts. Oh, wait--I did miss something. The ghosts are able to be stabbed now, too.

On the last chapter now. Protagonist is driving full speed at one of the members of Lordi. A brilliant light appears. His now ethereal daughter speaks enlightenment to him. He turns to dust. The monsters are pleased. She understands them despite the fact that every sound is the same growl. A few shots of the deserted hospital...and...oh my God, really?! This has to be seen to be believed.


  1. Ha - yeah, it's pretty bad. But I watched it all, simply because a) Lieutenant Gorman from Aliens is in it, and b) that band were contestants in the Eurovision Song Contest.

  2. Ive been wanting to see this one just for the costuming, but I would have to find it for $1 to ever really consider buying. Wish I would have seen this yesterday to wish ya a happy bday Chris! Hope the rest of the day went better than the movie =D

  3. Man, am I the only person that likes this movie??? I didn't think it was great by any means, but I thought it was a neat little flick and one of the better Ghost House movies that came out. I may have to watch it again, but I just remember it as being a fun, visually stunning, cheesy movie with a cool score.

    Lordi can suck my balls, though.

  4. Usually, when I go into a movie with already low expectations, the flick will at least meet said expectations. But this was far below what I was expecting. Thus, c'est terrible!

    On another note, I am a huge metal lover and drummer. I love everything from metalcore to deathcore to black metal, but I've never been into the costume bands (e.g. Gwar, Lordi).