Friday the 13th (2009)

The movie starts off with the climax of the original first installment.

The POV-style angles we all love introduce our first group of young, lascivious victims.

Amazingly, decent character development is employed within the first ten-fifteen minutes, even though these characters are nothing more than "body count." They offer us such lines as "This is Pabst Blue American Ribbon, my friend" and "May the force be with your schwartz" within the first ten minutes.

No big 3D block letters, no fireworks; just a lame non-80s modern title. They couldn't even make the title campy?

An thus begins the battle of the Abercrombie models. Seriously, some of these altercations are as close to camp as this movie gets.

After seeing Hostel: Part II, I wondered which horror movie would feature Richard Burgi.

The worst part about this movie is how hard it tried to include a black person amidst all of the rich, white, lame, boring, flat Abercrombie models. It's almost as if there's a rule that a black person can only be in a movie like this under the stipulation that their race is constantly referenced. Not that the movie takes the racially edgy angle--it takes the overused comedic angle. But isn't it 2009? Haven't we bled this tactic dry? All that said, the "black guy" is my favorite character in the entire movie.

The movie contains everyone's favorite part of the original third installment: Jason gets his mask!

My second favorite character!

R.I.P. second favorite character. Seriously though, this movie lacked gore. I think My Bloody Valentine had more gore, and that (as the name does NOT imply) is not saying anything.

Jason has a serious "peeping Tom" issue!

At least our new cast members still understand that Jason cannot be killed. They do nothing more than shove our supernatural predator back into the lake.

Anyone familiar with the series knows what happens last. This stays true to the original.

So, to sum it all up, call me when a director is given free will to make a brutal Friday the 13th. The closest this film gets is allowing us to see a Jason who actually runs after his victims instead of trudging through the woods and miraculously catching up.