Cold Fish (2010)

Like a lot of Asian horror films, this one was about one hour too long. Had that been trimmed, I probably would've walked away more satisfied. As it is, I'm just sort of indifferent to the film, nothing really stuck with me except my impatience for the thing to be over. It's your typical good-guy-gets-bullied-and-caught-up-in-the-wrong-crowd plot, and it seems the movie was made more to make gratuitous use of Megumi Kagurazaka that anything else. So, if you're in the mood for a crime drama wrapped in typical black humor, this great. But, then again, I guess I have to be thankful that I watched a J-horror flick sans ghosts!

Hausu (1977)

Rating: B
Experience Vitals: Netflix DVD.

(Credit for this pick goes to BC at Horror Movie a Day.) So, how to explain the movie, or, at the very least, how I feel about the movie? Imagine Evil Dead as a psychedelic acid-trip and you've got Nobuhiko Obayashi's House (Hausu). Well, no, that's not quite right. Imagine a Japanese screwball comedy crossed with a Japanese arthouse film, add in the antics of Evil Dead, and you're almost there! Like Mega Piranha, this one is made to be viewed with friends. This is a film made with one thing in mind: crowd-pleasing!

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Rating: C-
It had been a while since I'd watched any J-horror, but then again, I got bored with vengeful spirit-inhabited electronics and houses. So, the compromise: a movie that promised shock cinema in the form of a satirical gore-fest, Tokyo Gore Police. And it was just that. At the beginning of each fight sequence, I swear I heard someone yell, Mooortaaaaal Kooooombaaaaat! Then, the movie gave way to all out splatter-punk. Unfortunately, it isn't my thing. For me, there is a very fine line when it comes to gore. In the case of this film, it was too over-the-top, and while it was sometimes laughable by design, everything about the movie became too gratuitous and redundant à la Ichi the Killer (sorry Miike die-hards; I do like his other work though). What saved the film from being a complete flop? Eihi Shiina, who beautifully executed her role in Audition, and the hilarious social satire commercials.

Dream Cruise (2007)

The acting is rigid, and the plot is lame. This film exemplifies the reason so many people view horror movies as a waste of time. And to all J-Horror filmmakers: Please stop using multitudes of supernatural hair!

Pulse (2001)

Despite more than a handful of eerie thrills, Pulse seemed longer than two hours and reminded me that I've already seen too many J-Horror movies that revolve around technology. It's a shame, too, because there truly were some eerie moments that also reminded me how much I enjoy J-Horror.

I would only recommend this one if you are willing to be patient and really get into the theories Pulse attempts to describe--it does have a fairly deep plot with a satisfying ending. Unfortunately, you will most likely find yourself thinking of the grocery list, friends' upcoming birthday parties, work, school, food, a new CD, and so on during the movie.

Three... Extremes (2005)

Synopsis: Three short films from three extreme Asian directors: Fruit Chan, Chan-wook Park, and Takashi Miike. Chan's Dumplings features a woman who will stop at nothing to recapture her beauty. Park's Cut features a disgruntled extra. And Miike's Box features a dark mystery surrounding a successful female novelist.

Like(s): I liked the diversity found in each movie. Going into this, I figured it would be an over-the-top gross-out fest, but Miike, especially, held back and delivered an artistic psychological film that I will watch again. In fact, Miike's entry was appalling in its tact; I'm used to a very different Miike. I haven't seen any other Fruit Chan movie's that I can recall, but Dumplings was by far the most disturbing of the trio. Park's was visually stunning, well-acted, and proved his skills as a director. Though the title implies that this is going to be "extreme," only Chan's entry begins claiming that status.

Dislike(s): Park's ending. Somebody explain!

Candidate For Omission: No.

Also Try: Oldboy, Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance, Lady vengeance, Audition, Imprint.

Audition (2000)

Synopsis: A formidable father sets up a mock movie audition in hopes of finding a new wife. His pick turns awry.

Like(s): Solid character development through slowly-paced drama. The last fifteen to twenty minutes are brutal. The female character is ever so creepy!

Dislike(s): Too slow despite the intended effect.

Candidate For Omission: No.

Also Try: Miike, Park, et al.

Ichi the Killer (2001)

Synopsis: A sadistic killer...a gang leader...some violently assaulted women...well..schizo maniac...I give up. Suffice it to say this is a Miike film

Like(s): Nothing, literally.

Dislike(s): Bad acting, bizarre violence, wasted effort to "grose out." I don't hate Miike's stuff after seeing Audition and Imprint, this was just too bizarre for me.

Candidate For Omission: Yes.

Also Try: Audition, Imprint, Oldboy

Battle Royale (2001)

I finally got around to watching Battle Royale, and I feel like a better person for doing it. Seriously, everyone needs to watch this masterpiece. It reminded me of Lord of the Flies, but the children are Japanese and have lethal, often military-grade, weapons! The plot seems bleak, but it plays out in a manner that is both entertaining and dreadful. There is even an element of humor mixed into the bloody warfare, not typical of Japanese movies.

The government imposes a new law to enforce punishment on schoolchildren who are abusing the system. Random groups of the schoolchildren are taken to an island, handed survival kits, and given three days to fight until only a single person stands. After three days, if more than one person is still alive, everyone is killed. Each aforementioned survival kit includes bread, water, and a randomly chosen weapon. The "weapons" range from a GPS device to a grenade, with everything in between.

I want to feel ashamed for watching a movie about teenagers slaughtering each other, but I can't. This was too good a movie to keep quiet about. Like Lord of the Flies, the movie did a great job exploring tough situations and decisions as kids formed alliances, dealt with their friends being killed, and fought to escape their own death. On top of all the gruesome battle, a layer of romance is used to bring the children to life.

Battle Royale is bloody, yet symbolic and thought-provoking. The actions kicks off almost immediately, pulls you in, and doesn't let go until a felicitous ending.

Review Soundtrack:
Sky Eats Airplane - "Patterns"
As I Lay Dying - "94 Hours"
Job For A Cowboy - "Embedded"

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Imprint (2005)

Imprint is director Takashi Miike's contribution to the Masters of Horror series. The story follows an American journalist into the depths of a strange island, in search of his estranged lover. Instead, he ends up with a prostitute for a platonic evening of palavering about the girl he is seeking. The prostitute uncovers an unsettling truth.

The first Takashi Miike film I saw was Audition, and I loved it. It's a shame I can't review it since it's already in the [ list ]. If you haven't seen it, see it; I'll leave it at that. The second Miike film I saw was Ichi The Killer, which I thought was so over-the-top it was impossible to take seriously. There was nothing scary about it, save for the ridiculous acting. I refuse to waste time explaining exactly why it was so terrible since this review is for Imprint, but what I will say about Ichi The Killer is that it turned me away from Miike's films with the intention of never going back.

And then I took a chance on Imprint.

Maybe this is another case of the low expectation effect, but I can honestly say that Imprint was an outstanding horror movie. From the very beginning, it drew me in with its strange macabre setting and characters. I could've done without Billy Drago's character (the American journalist). Whenever he spoke started, I could barely understand what he was saying. I think he was supposed to be drunk off too much Saki (Sake?) or something, but he came off like a bumbling idiot. The redeeming character was the prostitute who told him the story of her death. As soon as she reveals her face on the screen the effect is solid repulsion. Her face continued to creep me out more and more throughout the film.

She prefaces the tale with the fact that she sees the dead and prefers them over the living. When she freaked out over the sight of one of the dead, I flinched and had to look around the dark room I was sitting in. It caught me totally by surprise. As she begins to tell the tale, strange leering apparitions pop up out of nowhere, creating the perfect unsettling tone for what is to come.

It turns out that the prostitute lived with Drago's lover and not only caused, but witnessed her gruesome torture, which is shown to us in strikingly vivid detail. In classic Miike style, long, sharp sticks are jammed under each of her fingernails. For the thumbs, the camera gives us a super-closeup and unflinchingly delivers a scene that caused me to cringe and squirm in my seat. Too bad I didn't get any pictures of my face during that scene. I'm sure they'd be amusing! Perhaps I'll start taking "reaction shots" while watching Miike movies from now on. Anyway, next, her mouth is forced open, her lips are peeled back, and more sticks are shoved into her gums, causing her lips to remain pulled back. The woman is left tied up without removing any of the sixteen-or-so sticks from her fingernails and gums, which creates a nauseating image every time she is on screen. It's amazing how realistic the special effects are in this movie. Are we sure the actress who played the estranged lover is really still alive?

The movie switches back and forth between flashbacks and Drago's conversation with the prostitute to tell the story of his lover's death. Sometimes the two sequences bleed together as only Miike can do it. Those sequences were reminiscent of the bizarre scene in Audition when the man is becoming paralyzed. After learning about the horrific death of Drago's lover, the prostitute begins telling her story, which is where Imprint pulls out all the stops.

It's a typical childhood, really. Her mother and father were brother and sister. They were exiled from their village when people found out and ended up living in a straw hut beside a murky river. Her mother started running a primitive (the movie shows us the definition of primitive) abortion clinic. This is the first time I've seen something on screen that revolted and offended me. Undoubtedly, Miike's intention, and it worked. After the prostitute was born to the brother-sister lovers, she was dropped in the river and carried away by the current like all of the other products of the makeshift abortions. But she got caught up on a log and the mother happened upon her two days later and decided to raise her.

Just when things can't get much worse as far as moral offenses, taboos, and torture, the film gets surreal. Well, surreal and just outright bizarre. Don't believe me? Well, how about this: A hand starts to force its way out of the prostitute's head and it ends up having a face! Yes, I'm talking about the hand...the one that just slipped out of the girl's head. Apparently, the prostitute was born with a twin, and like Stephen King's The Dark Half, the twin developed inside of her skull.

At the end, the journalist manages to kill the prostitute and is jailed for it. Two jailers allude to the fact that he will be tortured slowly and consistently while waiting for his impending doom. Once they leave, Drago is stuck in the room with his demons--literally--and we get some irony, metaphor--dare I say moral?--but after enduring everything we had just witnessed, it was hard to even focus on the ending.

Imprint is not for the weak-stomached. This is as graphic and disturbing as it gets. Its horrors will definitely leave an imprint on your mind, and you might watch family movies and cartoons for a while to shed yourself of the dark skin it shrouds you with. But it is truly a well-executed horror film that surpassed my expectations and forced me to give Takashi Miike another shot.