Inferno (1980)

Loved Suspiria, but I didn't care much for this second installment in the Three Mothers trilogy. Inferno is pleasingly stylized, but not in the same manner as Suspiria; though the gore is definitely ramped up in comparison. And, sadly, Goblin is missing from the musical score--a major let down. On its own (i.e. without comparison to Suspiria), the movie just doesn't do it for me. As soon as a scene has my attention it fades into a quirky, below average story, with tidbits seemingly thrown in for good measure.

Hopefully Mother of Tears will be better.

Drag Me to Hell (2009)

Now I remember why I stopped going to the movies: the plague of tweens that use the two hours away from their parents to chat with friends, send texts, and, every now and then, take a look at what's happening on screen; and--surely this is the worst--the guy who uses the opportunity to practice his stand-up comedy. This is the guy who swears everyone in the audience hangs on his every word and cannot wait for his next comment. To make matters even worse, my experience last night was complete with a guy who burped during a silence-before-musical-sting. Upon drawing laughter from the two tween chicks nearby, he continued to burp whenever possible, despite the fact that the first time was the only time the chicks laughed at him. Seems young guys are still doomed to use obnoxious behavior as flirtation.

Do I sound bitter? Well, it's probably because I'm at this strange age where I'm too old and too young to say anything to the tweens. If I say something, it will be translated as "be even more obnoxious" and I'll be the weird young/old guy who is so not cool.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, I can move on with the movie review. Once again, I purposefully abstained from the trailers, but that didn't stop me from overhearing others at work talking about them. I still haven't seen the trailer, but apparently it portrays the movie to be pure horror. Not true! Thankfully, I quickly skimmed over a few other reviews and found that it is what I thought beforehand: campy, jumpy, clever...well, Sam Raimi! And it was a blast! One of the most entertaining movies I've seen in a long time. It's employs the most quick-scares I've ever seen in a single movie, while maintaining a fun level of camp, all of which leave the viewer satisfied. But for this reason, I smite the trailer for it's false expectations. Then again, I smite all trailers. I hate them.

The trailer versus the actual movie resulted in such audible comments as "that was retarded." It was both amusing and a little sad to see/hear audience feedback as the movie rolled on. Of those who were actually paying attention to the movie, I could tell they were there to see a terrifying horror film. Unfortunately, they were entangled in an emotional mix of severe disappointment and confusion. Confusion because they couldn't figure out whether it was supposed to be funny (i.e. campy) or not. My only guess is that the decent acting (unusual for campy horror movies) and the great use of audio and visual threw them off. Unlike the traditional comedic horror movie, Sam Raimi had some money to spend!

For those of us who understand what this is supposed to be, Drag Me To Hell is a blast! Raimi takes a simple Gypsy curse plot and has fun with it. I even jumped two or three times. There are more than a handful of quick-scares, as I said. At every turn, something is appearing without warning, and when "it" does appear, the audio effects are loud, raucous, tumultuous! I swear The Palladium cinema cranked the volume on this movie beyond the usual level!

If you're like me, you're tired of the recent run of Hollywood remakes (and originals?) that aim to be the scariest horror flick yet--this just isn't happening here in America lately, sorry. Finally, the Raimis have embraced this fact and produced something we can enjoy again. Let Korea, Japan, France (the French are on it lately!), etc. handle the movies that actually do deliver creepy, harrowing horror films.

The last thing I want to mention about this one is the placement of iMacs and an iPhone around Justin Long. Love it!

Skin Crawl (2007)

Solve a crossword puzzle, read a book, knit a sweater, play a game of tetris; whatever you do, don't waste your time with this garbage!

BOOK: Dark Mountain

Ah, Richard Laymon. Is there any other example of a modern Hemingway-style minimalist writer? Even if there is, do they compete with the ebb and flow of Laymon's brutal stories? Can anyone else develop such striking characters out of so few words? Well, if you have the answers, send me a message. Or just send me a message about anything. I get lonely often.

As already alluded to, Richard Laymon once again delivers a great book. It is entertaining and disturbing; intense and humorous; sensual and sadistic. Yep. Good ole Dick Laymon. Dark Mountain is another mass market paperback reissue from our friends at Leisure (http://www.dorchesterpub.com/)! Thanks, guys! Since I didn't know about Laymon until a year ago, I hadn't had the chance to enjoy this read, and some of Laymon's books are harder to get a hold of than the attention of world leaders! Really, though, if you want to get your hands on Richard Laymon books that are out of print, check out http://www.alibris.com/. Great site!

The first half of the book is comprised of Laymon's ability to construct solid, three-dimensional, likable characters. He then sends them into the woods for a camping misadventure that contains its own telling of creepy (and humorous) stories around the campfire. I really wish I had known Laymon while he was alive; his humor really shines through his otherwise harrowing stories. Just when I found myself wondering if I could really take another horror novel with the deep, dark woods as a setting, and crazy inbreds as antagonists. But Laymon, as usual, flips the book around, and puts all of the characters back into their everyday lives. They are left to deal with a very real curse cast upon them at the height of their camping misadventure.

This book concentrates on relationships, too. We get insight into the life of the charming single-parent father who is balancing a bitter, snarky, fiesty daughter and a beautiful, intelligent girlfriend. We have the highly entertaining "man's man" dad (complete with war flashbacks, a cigar, and a disposition for overshadowing his meek wife). And a nice little love story between the daughter of the former father and the son of the latter father. Plus, there's a bonus Oedipus complex thrown in for good literary measure!

Have a couple of hours to kill and want to spend them productively? Pick up Dark Mountain--or any other Laymon novel for that matter.

Suspiria (1977)

Suspiria is a stimulant for the auditory and visual senses, mesmerizing me from the beginning with its artistic use of color and sound.

The story is simple enough: A shy young American girl moves to Europe to attend a prestigious ballet school, but soon finds that the school is rooted in a dark history. As things unfold, she grows more and more suspicious of the faculty and begins inquiring about witchcraft. Like I said, simple, used before, but Argento spins the tale into a brilliant nightmare, using intricate set decoration and feverish music.

The music was the first thing I noticed. It wasn't typical for a horror movie; it was awkward yet fitting, adding to the surreal atmosphere. Provided by Goblin, an Italian progressive rock band, Argento made the right choice.

The use of color (especially blue) was another brilliant effect to create a mood and foreshadowing. I was in sensory overload by the end of the first murder scene. Ornate designs and symmetrical patterns, awash in striking color, covered the screen and pulled me into a house of horrors similar to the Overlook Hotel in The Shining, but dare I say better?

As far as pacing and plot are concerned, Suspiria is a perfect blend. After the opening scenes, I had to keep watching. I was kept in the dark just enough to provoke my curiosity but not leave me bewildered. Leading up to the climatic ending, Argento paints the screen with more than a few sick images and just enough clues to explain the strange behavior of the girl from the beginning.

The best part of the movie was the end, as it should be. The only words I can think of to describe it are feverish, frantic, frenetic and...fitting. Oh, so fitting. Why make a movie at all if the end isn't going to leave the audience satisfied? In the case of Suspiria, we've been rising with the suspense like a hot air balloon, waiting for our suspicions to be confirmed. The movie ends on a high note of disturbing images, bloodshed, and demonic forces unleashed!

Suspiria stands apart from the legions of cookie cutter witch flicks and invokes new dimensions of horror cinema. It seamlessly takes pieces from many puzzles and fits them together to create a masterpiece. I was entertained by Jenifer, but left spellbound by Suspiria.