Dark Floors (2008)

So, I'm sitting here on my birthday, watching Dark Floors and bored out of my mind. In fact, it's still playing right now. But I'm so bored by this crap that I figured I'd write this up while it's playing.

The movie is prefaced with a claim to its original idea, but so far the only "original idea" seems to be that the monsters are the Finnish metal band Lordi. Everything else is taken from the Horror Movie 101 textbook, and the dialogue/acting is atrocious!

Why can't someone give this girl a red crayon? It fell on the floor earlier, and despite the fact that the father had handed it to her minutes before, he doesn't seem too concerned that it's no longer in her hand. Maybe it's because she keeps magically possessing purple crayons, black crayons, and so on.

I just skipped a couple of chapters; nothing new. A few more...nothing new. Boring, boring, boring. This is what I hate: a cheesy horror movie that tries so desperately hard to be serious and frightening. The only thing that could redeem this movie at this point is if the monsters/ghosts put on a musical performance.

(10 minutes or so elapse.)

Oh, wow! So, apparently you can't shoot the ghosts, but you can deliver electric shock to them. Did I miss something? Is this due to some energy ghosts are susceptible to? I admit that I'm not well versed in knowledge of ghosts. Oh, wait--I did miss something. The ghosts are able to be stabbed now, too.

On the last chapter now. Protagonist is driving full speed at one of the members of Lordi. A brilliant light appears. His now ethereal daughter speaks enlightenment to him. He turns to dust. The monsters are pleased. She understands them despite the fact that every sound is the same growl. A few shots of the deserted hospital...and...oh my God, really?! This has to be seen to be believed.

Midnight Movie (2008)

This is actually a decent movie, entertaining and quick. I was expecting something like Cigarette Burns, but Midnight Movie had its own feel.

Calvaire (2005)

Finally, a disappointing French horror movie. Sure, it was shocking at times, but it seemed more interested in creating atmosphere than the brutal, bloody thriller it claimed to be. On the other hand it did have a couple of moments that left me scratching my head and wondering if I was totally missing something or not (e.g. the Piano-And-Penguin-Dancing scene). It's comforting to know that even the French are capable of making mundane, hillbilly horror.

The Cottage (2008)

Dumb, lame slapstick comedy has never been my thing. I was hoping to watch a horror movie, but The Cottage thwarted these intentions, causing me to turn it off at the 20-minute mark.

Slither (2006)

Some of the effects are cool, and the lines are hilarious; but overall this isn't a very good movie.

To clarify: Yes, my "review" is purposely one sentence long. Thanks.

Irreversible (2002)

Based on cinematography, direction, acting, and overall structure alone, this is a masterpiece. But I will never watch it again. Its depictions are so realistic, gritty, disturbing, I can hardly bear to think about it today. This is literally the most disturbing movie I've ever seen, including Martyrs. There were times when I had to look away for minutes at a time.

The first twenty minutes or so were hard to watch, not only because of some of the unnerving sights, but because of the camera flip-flopping all over the place. At one point I had to look away for a minute or so just to regain my sense of equilibrium. And throughout the movie the camera does some roller-coaster activity that sometimes heightens the calamity, and sometimes just makes your stomach lurch.

The best part about Irreversible is the philosophy behind the story: the future is already written and that preordained future is irreversible. If you've read other reviews, you probably know that it works in reverse-chronological order; this structure adds weight to the philosophy by showing you the future first, which makes for an intriguing experience, but it causes the film to haunt you even more without the typical closure delivered at the end of a revenge movie.

For me, this concerned a difficult subject matter that I am extremely sensitive to. View at your own discretion.

From Within (2008)

Much better than the recent Slaughter. This flick offered a well-developed plot, strong characters, taut pacing, and visualyl stimulating thrills. Sure, there are a multitude of films out there based on the "religious zealotry" plot, but something about From Within just worked--I was glued to the movie from beginning to end. More than anything else, I enjoyed the strong lead by Elizabeth Rice and the redneck antics of Adam Goldberg.

The Baby's Room (2006)

The plot was deeper than I expected, and the "creepiness" intended seemed lost among the humor. It is more of a satire involving the nuclear family than a horror movie, but certain supernatural gags keep it in the genre. Overall, it was entertaining, but forgettable.

Slaughter (2009)

Introducing the movie that broke the streak. That's right. Sadly, I can no longer say that every entry from this year's After Dark Horrorfest has satisfied. This is the first out of the six I've seen so far (From Within and Butterfly Effect III are the only two left now) that felt like an ADH movie. Not only was the acting rigid, the scares nonexistent, and details left unattended to--this movie was just plain boring. And on top of it all, Lola's (Lucy Holt) accent seriously grated on my nerves!

(1) Continuity / Attention to Detail - Call me picky, but there were blatant flaws with garments, blemishes, and restraints (e.g. shoestrings).

(2) Pacing - This movie had so may lulls it tugged on my eyelids and caused me to consider forgoing the rest of the movie more than a few times.

(3) Scares / Thrills / Suspense - You can't show pig carcasses and (sort of show) the removal of teeth and call it a horror movie. This movie seriously lacked suspense or legitimate scares--I never once felt the prick of horrific visual stimulation.

So, it is with great disappointment that I retire for the night having concluded a busy day of work and school with a lame snoozefest.

Ginger Snaps (2000)

People have been telling me about Ginger Snaps for a long time--well, since its release in 2000 at least. Finally, nine years later, I have seen this gem; and I can say that I had a blast! The two sisters are brilliant little actresses who pull you into their macabre world. I haven't seen a lot of werewolf movies, but this was a good take on the genre in my opinion.